I meant to write this evening about the positive side to having emotional extremes but there is something else that I feel is more urgent and more important.
I hurt someone that I care deeply about yesterday. Someone that I care about more than I perhaps realised until today, and who perhaps cares about me more than I thought, and who I never want to hurt in that way again. It was not my intention to hurt him, and I know he knows this. But the fact remains that I did hurt him, and I did so unnecessarily because what I may not have made clear, and evidently had not made clear enough to him, was that no matter how low I sink and no matter what I say and no matter what even I myself believe while stuck in that low rut, I will not end my life. I think this is clearer to me now than ever. And it is important that it be clear to other people too, which is something that I did not realise was so important until today.
When I say hurt him, I mean worried him. Or shocked him. But both these emotions hurt.
You may be wondering how I know I will never end my life. The answer is that I just do. I may have written otherwise while in a low place. Indeed, while I am in that low place I doubt that I would be telling you this; I would be insisting to you that I am going to end my life or that I have to, or something to that effect. And not because I am lying, but because in that low state it is what I myself also believe. It begs the question then how I know that I won’t do it if that state gets low enough and the belief or need gets strong enough. And I guess the answer is experience. I have thought about suicide often enough and felt the tug of suicide so many times and made such ridiculously feeble attempts, designed to fail, that I know it just will never happen. If it was going to, it would have happened a long time ago. No matter how dark things get, there is always something in the back of my mind, even if I myself am not consciously aware of it, that stops me from doing it. Of course, I am assuming that this thing stopping me will remain and I cannot know this for a fact. But assuming that it does, there is one thing that I want all those who care about me to know: I am not going to end my life.
The other obvious thought some may have is that I only say I want to end my life for attention and that future statements that I want to do it should go ignored. Well, this second part would be understandable. If anyone reading this chooses to ignore me next time I say that I want to end my life, it makes sense now that you know this. But I definitely do not say those words for attention. I do not take these things lightly. It is also a very real feeling in the moment and the thoughts about it are very real too, and I believe and mean what I say when I am down there. When times are really dark, part of me, the more consciously aware part of me, does truly believe that the intention is there and that it will happen. I sound like I am contradicting myself, perhaps because I am, perhaps because it is a complex emotion and something of a dichotomy that just is not that clear cut. But suffice to say that, despite this conflict, in my very darkest deepest moments when even I think I want to end my life and that it is the only option available to me, there is an underlying awareness that I just can’t and won’t. And as the darkness lifts, I become more aware that of course I never will. And then I just feel like an idiot.
So while I have never claimed to want to end my life out of a want for attention, and truly feel the things I say when in that place, I ask people to know that it is not going to happen. The truth is that until now I have never actually felt like anybody cared either way and perhaps this is what has prompted me to think about this and write it down. Sure, many people have said things to the effect of ‘the world is a better place with you in it’ or ‘think of your son, he needs you’ or ‘I would miss you and I hope you don’t do it’, etc. But the truth is, and I am sorry to everyone that has said any of these things to me before now, I never really believed it before. I’m sure this speaks volumes about where my own self worth has been and what this person has done for me in that respect, but I am all of a sudden aware that someone truly does care whether I am here or not, and was truly impacted by the thought of me not being here. I was never trying to impact anyone, or get a reaction; I wear my heart on my sleeve and always just speak what I feel with abandon. But I’ve never felt this before. And I never want to hurt him or anyone else again by having them believe that one day I may actually do it.
I am also wondering what this awareness that it actually hurts someone to hear those words from me will have on any future thoughts about it. Indeed, for the first time in longer than I can remember, I no longer even want those thoughts as the security blanket they were. I feel deeply ashamed and saddened at my own selfishness and introverted disregard for the impact of my words on other people, and I want to show this person that I am a survivor, a warrior, and I can live without them. More importantly I want to show him that he is not going to lose me to that. And most of all, that I am so sorry I hurt him.
And one last thing: thank you. x