It's no secret that I've spent a lot of my life riding an emotional rollercoaster. I can't place my finger on exactly why, and maybe it's a culmination of things or nothing specific at all, but ever since the fuck it switch got set to ON in my head the other day, it's stayed there. … Continue reading FUCK IT, UNLESS IT’S A TREE.
I'm unsure what has come over me today, but it's a good thing, I think. The short version is that I've learnt to say fuck it and mean it. But of course there is a lot more to it than that, and I don't want it construed in any negative sense. I don't mean to … Continue reading FUCK IT
A friend of mine suggested that I write about the positive side to having emotional extremes. I spent a while wondering why this had never occurred to me before as something to do and there are two reasons. The first is that positive feelings don't leave us feeling isolated and scared like the negative ones … Continue reading THE ADDICTION OF EUPHORIA
I meant to write this evening about the positive side to having emotional extremes but there is something else that I feel is more urgent and more important. I hurt someone that I care deeply about yesterday. Someone that I care about more than I perhaps realised until today, and who perhaps cares about me … Continue reading TRUTH: I WILL NEVER DO IT.
My chest aches. This physiological response to anxiety and panic is now becoming more than I can endure and the pain is too much, both mentally and physically. I cannot put my finger on what I am panicking about in this particular instance, perhaps it is a culmination of everything that has happened because all … Continue reading I HAVE TO GO.
I've lived with chronic suicidal ideation for so long that I can't really remember what it feels like to not live with it. Sometimes I think about ways to actually end my life, other times I think about just never having existed, or disappearing in a way that erases all trace and memory of me. … Continue reading SUICIDAL IDEATION SAVES ME. FOR NOW.
While generally not one to subscribe to labels (seeing mental health, as I do, as an array of symptoms with spectrums on which we all lie to varying degrees) it is pretty uncanny how phenomenally textbook I am when it comes to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It is far easier, therefore, when asked what the … Continue reading BORDERLINE #1